in that playful way so delightful to married lovers, she
invariably calls him "Professor Hurlbut," while he retorts with "Miss
Lawrence, of South Carolina." Moreover, in Mrs. B.'s confidential
little boudoir, over her work-stand, hangs a neatly-framed card,
whereon you may read:

PROFESSOR HURLBUT,
Chiropodist
To her Majesty Queen Victoria, and the
Nobility of Great Britain.

"MR. DOOLEY ON CORPORAL PUNISHMENT"

By F. P. DUNNE

Copyright 1907 by H. H. McClure & Co.

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see that some school-teachers down
East have been petitioning to be allowed to slug th' young."

"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley "they say they can't do anything with these
tender little growths onless they use a club. They want the boord iv
iddycation to restore what's called corporal punishment--that is th'
fun iv lickin' some wan that can't fight back. Says wan iv thim: 'Th'
little wans undher our care are far fr'm bein' th' small angels that
they look. As a matther iv fact they are rebellyous monsthers that
must be suppressed be vigorous an',' says he, 'stern measures. Is it
right,' says he, 'that us school masthers shud daily risk our lives at
th' hands iv these feerocious an' tigerish inimies iv human s'ciety
without havin' a chance to pound thim? Yisterdah a goolden haired imp
iv perdition placed a tack in me chair. To-day I found a dead rat in
the desk. At times they write opprobyous epithets about me on th'
blackboard; at other times crood but pinted carrycachures. Nawthin'
will conthrol thim. They hurl the murdherous spitball. They pull th'
braid iv th' little girl. They fire baseballs through th' windows.
Sometimes lumps iv chewin' gum are found undher their desks where they
have stuck thim f'r further use. They shuffle their feet whin I'm
narvous. They look around thim when they think I'm not lookin'. They
pass notes grossly insultin' each other. Moral suasion does no good.
I have thried writin' to their parents askin' thim to cripple their
offspring, an' th' parents have come over an' offered to fight me.
I've thried keepin' thim afther school, makin' thim write compositions
an' shakin' th' milk teeth out iv thim, but to no avail. Me opinyon is
that th' av'rage small boy is a threecherous, dangerous crather like
th' Apachy Indyan' an' that th' on'y thing to do with him is to slam
him with a wagon spoke,' says he.