The picture seemed bright, and for a moment the thought of it gave me
pleasure. Then I remembered that I should be leaving Ruth for ever; I
should be leaving my old home for ever; I should not die in the great
chamber where all my ancestors had died. I should be a wanderer, a
vagrant, homeless and friendless.

Besides, what could I do? Strong and hardy I was, as a man could well
be, but I had no trade or profession. That is the curse which befalls
eldest sons who expect fortunes; if anything happens to them they have
no profession on which to rely. What did I know? Something of the
management of an estate, but not enough for a steward, nor would anyone
hire a steward without an assurance as to his abilities and past
career. I was not fit for that, and if I went away the name of Roger
Trewinion must be sunk for ever, so that I could not seek such a post.
The only thing I could say I was fit for was the post of a sailor. If
I went away I must try and get a place in a trading vessel.

I thought of all this, but would not confess to myself that I was
seriously thinking of leaving my home, the sacrifice was too great.

Meanwhile the storm was raging, and flakes of foam were blown against
my face. Then I felt some raindrops falling, and the sky became more
lowering.

I would go in and go to bed, and on the morrow I would speak to Ruth.

Then came the moment of final struggle. Ruth was leaving the house
because of me, because she loathed the thought of being my wife, and
because she wished to be free from me as long as she could.

This thought took away much of my interest in home, as well as my
desire to remain among the scenes of my early childhood. It chilled
those warm feelings of attachment for the homestead, and for the people
who had become a part of my life.

Ruth leave because of me! And yet it was because of Ruth I wanted to
stay. I would look at the matter again. I wanted to make Ruth happy;
but what was the course I must take in order to do that? The great
hindrance to her happiness was myself. I was the black cloud that hid
her sun. If I did not exist her joy would be complete, for then she
would be free to wed the man she loved.

And while I was fighting this battle the storm beat furiously upon me.
Never shall I forget how the wind blew, nor how the waves became more
and more maddened. Dimly I could see the great mountains of waters, as
with thundering roars they hurled themselves on