* *

A story is told of a man who, having submitted himself to the
manipulation of a venerable barber was told: "Do you know, sah, you
remind me so much of Dan'l Webster?"

"Indeed," he said, "shape of my head, I suppose?"

This staggered the aged colored man somewhat. He had not expected that
there would be a call for an explanatory superstructure. "No, sah," he
stammered in reply; "not yo' head, sah, it's yo' breff."

* * * * *

"Speaking of mushrooms and toadstools, gentlemen," chimed in Dumley, "a
friend of mine not long ago gathered a quantity of what he supposed were
mushrooms, and took 'em home. His wife cooked 'em and the whole family
ate heartily of 'em."

"And did they all die?" inquired the crowd, very much shocked.

"No, they happened to be mushrooms, you see," replied Dumley with a
far-a-away look in his eye, "but it was a narrow escape."

* * * * *

He was enjoying an ear of corn in the good, old-fashioned way. "You look
as if you were playing the flute," his hostess remarked, smiling. "Oh,
no," was the amiable retort; "It's a cornet I'm playing, by ear."

* * * * *

London Landlady (to shivering lodger).--No, sir, I don't object to your
dining at a restorong, nor to taking an 'apenny paper, but I must resent
your constant 'abit of locking up your whiskey, thereby himplying that
me, a clergyman's daughter, is prone to larceny.

* * * * *

"Pat," said his young wife, "I wish you wouldn't put your knife in your
mouth when you eat." "An' phwere would yez hev me put it," said Pat, in
astonishment, "in me eyes?"

* * * * *

First Lady--"What birthday presents are you going to give to your
husband?"

Second Lady--"A hundred cigars."

First Lady--"And what did you pay for them?"

Second Lady--"Oh, nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or
two out of his box every day. He hasn't noticed it, and will be pleased
with my little present and the fine quality of the cigars."

* * * * *

Arabella (scared)--"Oh, mammy! Miss Smiff say her ole man gits fits
eb'ry time he come home drunk an' I's 'fraid I done cotch 'um."

Mammy--"G'wan, chile; fits ain' ketchin'."

Arabella--"Dey mus' be, kase Miss Smiff says she give 'em to him
herse'f."

* * * * *

Mistress