inly; but where are you going to dine tomorrow?"

"Oh, here. You see, your wife was kind enough to ask me for that
occasion."

* * * * *

At a dinner given in a home that was marked for the literary
acquirements of its members the conversation naturally turned to books
and their authors. This was not much to the liking of one young woman,
who was more noted for her skill at golf and kindred sports than for her
knowledge of romance and history. From time to time she attempted to
start a discussion of outdoor games, but to no avail. At last her
companion at the table turned to her with the inquiry:

"And do you not like Kipling?"

The fair young thing knitted her brows in thought for a moment, then
answered blithely:

"Kipling? I don't believe it has been introduced in our set yet. How do
you kipple, anyway?"

* * * * *

Book Agent--"Is the lady of the house in?"

Cook--"We're _all_ ladies here, yez moonkey-faced divil! If yez mane the
_mishtress_, say so!"

* * * * *

A Sunday-school teacher recently told her class about the cruelty of
docking horses, says Our Dumb Animals. "Can any little girl tell me,"
she said, "of an appropriate verse of Scripture referring to such
treatment?" A small girl rose and said solemnly, "What God hath joined
together, let no man put asunder."

* * * * *

I am reminded of a sick man who had a talking wife. A doctor was sent
for to prescribe for the husband. When he left he said to the wife:
"Your husband is not dangerously ill. All he needs is rest, so I have
prescribed this opiate."

"How often shall I give it to him?" she asked.

"Oh, don't give it to him at all. Take it yourself."

* * * * *

Scene: The bar parlour of the Prince George, Brighton. Pipes and beer
all round. An old salt saying:--

"I've got a riddle to ask you chaps. If a 'erring and a 'alf cost three
farthings 'ow many could you buy for sixpence?"

Profound silence, and much puffing of pipes. Presently a voice from the
corner:--

"I say, Bill, did you say 'errings?"

"Yes, I said 'errings."

"Drat it, I've been a-reckoning of mackerel all this 'ere time!"

* * * * *

"An' phwat are yez a-doin' wid that pig in the sea?"

"Shure, an' I'm a makin' salt pork av him afore I kill him."

* * *