*

Smith--"Did you ever see a woman trying to pull a cork out of a bottle,
colonel?"

Col. Drinker--"No, suh; and no gentleman will stand idly by and see a
lady struggling to take a cork out of a bottle. It takes her too long,
suh?"

* * * * *

Wife--"We have been married twelve years, and not once during that time
have I missed baking you a cake for your birthday. Have I dear?"

Hubby--"No, my pet I look back upon those cakes as milestones in my
life."

* * * * *

Jones--"You don't usually say grace at meals?"

Bones--"No; only when the minister is present."

Jones--"Ah, I see. He not alone graces the occasion, but he occasions
the grace."

* * * * *

Doctor--"My dear young lady, you are drinking unfiltered water, which
swarms with animal organisms. You should have it boiled; that will kill
them."

Patient--"Well, doctor, I think I'd sooner be an aquarium than a
cemetery."

* * * * *

A tiny girl of seven gave a dinner party the other day, for which twelve
covers were laid, and that number of small maidens sat down to dine. It
was a real little girl's dinner, and the little hostess herself
presided, sitting at the head of the table. She had been very anxious,
in looking forward to it, to do everything as it should be done.

"Mamma," she asked, "shall we say grace?"

"No," said mamma, "it will be a very informal dinner, and I think you
need not do that."

That meant one less ceremony to be gone through, and was a relief, but
the little lady was anxious to have all her small guests understand it.
So, as they were gathered about the table, she explained:

"Mamma says this is such an infernal dinner that we need not have grace
today."

* * * * *

Three different waiters at a hotel asked a prim, precise little man at
dinner if he would have soup. A little annoyed, he said to the last
waiter who asked the question:

"Is it compulsory?"

"No, sir," said the waiter. "I think it's mock turtle."

* * * * *

Mistress--"Now, remember, Bridget, the Joneses are coming for dinner
tonight."

Cook--"Leave it to me, mum. I'll do me worst! They'll never trouble yez
again!"

* * * * *

Murphy--"Oi tell yez, Flaherty, th' saloon is th' poor mon's cloob.
Troth, Oi don't see how he could g