g off our wraps, and prepared, on the evidence,
for such bliss as earth too rarely affords. But alas for hopes raised only
to be shattered, for the host had nothing to offer us but bread and cheese.
The ham and chickens were of _papier-mache_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Sentry._ '"OO GOES THERE?"

_Jock._ "TWA SCOTCHES, AN' AWFU' UNDER PROOF."]

* * * * *

"HOTEL. ---- Sitting Waiter required, good experience."--_Bournemouth
Daily Echo_.

The inclusion of the functions of a waiter among "sedentary occupations"
explains a good deal.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Ex-Proprietor of a Cokernut Stall_ (_who has just had his
helmet shot off_). "WHAT'LL YE 'AVE, FRITZ--NUTS OR A SEEGAR?"]

* * * * *

FROM LORD DEVONPORT'S LETTER-BAG.

I.--_From Professor Tripewell._

MY LORD,--You will, no doubt, forgive me for drawing your attention to the
fact that the rationing system, to which you have lent the credit of your
name, will bring us to the end of our food supplies in something
considerably less than a month from now. I am far from wishing to be an
alarmist, but it is as well that we should face the facts, especially when
they are supported by statistics so irrefutable as those which I am willing
to produce to you at any moment on receiving your request to do so.

Fortunately it is not yet too late to apply a simple and adequate remedy to
this condition of affairs. All you have to do is to issue _and enforce_ an
Order in the following terms:--

(1) Every occasion on which food, no matter how small the amount, is eaten
shall count as a meal.

(2) Not more than two meals shall be eaten by any person, of whatever size,
age or sex, in a day of twenty-four hours.

(3) No meal shall last more than ten minutes.

(4) The mastication of every mouthful shall last not less than thirty
seconds.

(5) A mouthful for the purpose of this Order shall not consist of more food
than can be conveyed to the mouth in an ordinary teaspoon.

I venture to think that this order, _if issued at once and drastically
applied_, will meet every difficulty, and that we shall hear no more of a
shortage.

* * * * *

II.--_From Joshua Stodmarsh._

DEAR OLD SPORT,--It won't do--really it won't. I've been doing my best to
give your plan of food rations a fair run, and every week I