t is merely weakness and force
of habit. I tried to explain it in that way the other night, but it
will no longer suffice. It is something much deeper and more terrible
than that. Why, when I was at the Mardens' whist-table, I was dragged
away as if the noose of a rope had been cast round me. I can no longer
disguise it from myself. The woman has her grip upon me. I am in her
clutch. But I must keep my head and reason it out and see what is best
to be done.

But what a blind fool I have been! In my enthusiasm over my research I
have walked straight into the pit, although it lay gaping before me.
Did she not herself warn me? Did she not tell me, as I can read in my
own journal, that when she has acquired power over a subject she can
make him do her will? And she has acquired that power over me. I am
for the moment at the beck and call of this creature with the crutch.
I must come when she wills it. I must do as she wills. Worst of all,
I must feel as she wills. I loathe her and fear her, yet, while I am
under the spell, she can doubtless make me love her.

There is some consolation in the thought, then, that those odious
impulses for which I have blamed myself do not really come from me at
all. They are all transferred from her, little as I could have guessed
it at the time. I feel cleaner and lighter for the thought.

April 8. Yes, now, in broad daylight, writing coolly and with time for
reflection, I am compelled to confirm every thing which I wrote in my
journal last night. I am in a horrible position, but, above all, I
must not lose my head. I must pit my intellect against her powers.
After all, I am no silly puppet, to dance at the end of a string. I
have energy, brains, courage. For all her devil's tricks I may beat
her yet. May! I MUST, or what is to become of me?

Let me try to reason it out! This woman, by her own explanation, can
dominate my nervous organism. She can project herself into my body and
take command of it. She has a parasite soul; yes, she is a parasite, a
monstrous parasite. She creeps into my frame as the hermit crab does
into the whelk's shell. I am powerless What can I do? I am dealing
with forces of which I know nothing. And I can tell no one of my
trouble. They would set me down as a madman. Certainly, if it got
noised abroad, the university would say that they had no need of a
devil-ridden professor. And Agatha! No, no, I must face it alone.

III