and his only use is to
play the fool for us.' But I did mind; I did. And I only played the fool
because it would have been drearier still not to, and because there was
always something amusing left to laugh at, not because I didn't mind.
And then I cared for Denis as ... Oh, but you know how I cared for Denis.
He was the most bright and splendid thing I knew in all the splendid
world ... and he chucked me, because everything went wrong that could
go wrong between us without my fault ... and our friendship was
spoilt.... And I cared for Hilary and Peggy; and they would go and do
things to spoil all our lives, and the more I tried, like an ass, to
help, the more I seemed to mess things up, till the crash came, and we
all went to bits together. And we had to give up the only work we
liked--and I did love mine so--and slave at things we hated. And still we
kept sinking and sinking, and crashing on worse and worse rocks, till we
hadn't a sound piece left to float us. And then, when I thought at least
we could go down together, they went away and left me behind. So I'd
failed there too, hopelessly. I always have failed in everything I've
tried. I tried to make Rhoda happy, but that failed too. She left me; and
now she's dead, and Thomas hasn't any mother at all.... And Lucy ... whom
I'd cared for since before I could remember ... and I'd always thought,
without thinking about it, that some day of course we should be
together... Lucy left me, and our caring became wrong, so that at last
we didn't care to see one another at all. And then it was as if hell had
opened and let us in. The other things hadn't counted like that; health,
money, beautiful things, interesting work, honour, friends, marriage,
even Denis--they'd all collapsed and I did mind, horribly. But not like
that. As long as I could see Lucy sometimes, I could go on--and I had
Thomas too, though I don't know why he hasn't collapsed yet. But at last,
quite suddenly, when the emptiness and the losing had been getting to
seem worse and worse for a long time, they became so bad that they were
impossible. I got angry; it was for Thomas more than for myself, I think;
and I said it should end. I said I would take things; steal them, if I
couldn't get them by fair means. And I went down to Astleys, to see them,
to tell them it must end. And in the woods I met Lucy. And she'd been
getting to know too that it must end, for her sake as well as for
mine.... And so we're going to