id waste," he said. "Well, we may have eliminated a
certain amount of--let us say _material_ waste, but we are causing, on
the other hand, the most deplorable moral waste. Henry and I were simply
not on speaking terms yesterday after he scooped my marmalade under my
very nose, and as for Charles" (that is myself) "he is simply out for
loot. He gets down before the gong. And this is essentially a time to
heal all differences and stand shoulder to shoulder."

"But I can't have waste," said my wife, who likes to stick to her point.
"If things are left over there is no one to eat them."

"It will give me great pleasure," the Reverend Henry broke in eagerly,
"to present you with a couple of live pigs--the animal kind, I mean."

* * * * *

Illustration: CLOTHES OF THE PERIOD.

"I WANT SOME SMART COLLARS."

"YESSIR. MR. SIMPKINS, JUST BRING ME DOWN AN ASSORTMENT OF 'DIRIGIBLES'
AND SOME 'SUPER-DREADNOUGHTS."

* * * * *

THE CENSOR HABIT.

Not the least disastrous circumstance for which this war must be held
responsible is a certain misunderstanding arrived at between Phyllis and
myself. Fortunately the sky is clearer now, but there was a time when
the situation looked extremely ugly.

This is a copy of the letter I received from Phyllis a few days ago:--

"DEAR JACK,--So sorry for you that you couldn't pass the doctor. Have
just heard from Leo for the first time. He left ---- on the ----, and
after a satisfactory passage arrived at ----. They entrained soon after
and are now in the neighbourhood of ----. What do you think? The ----s
have occupied ----. Captain ---- sends his regards to you.

"Yours, with love,
"PHYLLIS."

I only know one man in the regiment that Phyllis's brother adorns, and
his name is Captain Nares. Even supposing that the name had been
censored in Leo's letter, there could be no doubt as to the identity of
the person to whom the writer referred.

So far as I could see there was one of two possibilities. Either Phyllis
was involuntarily developing the Censor habit, or she was treating the
exigencies of correspondence in war-time with a levity that in a future
wife I firmly deprecated. Humour of this kind is all very well in its
place; but these are not days in which we must smile without a serious
reason. I determined to teach her a lesson.

"DEAR PHYLLIS," I wrote,--"Many thanks for Captain ----'s regards. I
don't remem