as ordered and Bill, with his usual good luck and influence,
appointed chairman of the investigating committee, with powers to expend
whatever amount was necessary to the investigation.

Bill made one trip on the railroad to Connellsville. Thereafter, he
spent the greater part of the beautiful autumn traveling up and down the
Monongahela, even as far up the river as Geneva, although the scope of
the investigation was to extend only as far as McKeesport.

The palatial side-wheel steamers were always crowded to the guards with
travelers. Many slept on cots in the cabins but Bill had the bridal
chamber. The mirrored bars employed a double shift of irrigators. They
were never closed except when the boats were moored at Pittsburgh, and
then Bill could always get in the back way. The food was bountiful;
stewed chicken for breakfast, turkey for dinner, fried chicken for
supper, and at night a poker game in the barber shop.

Again and again the railroad people requested a report from Bill but he
was busy investigating as to why the steam cars were running with empty
seats.

Finally notices were mailed to the railroad people, the superintendents
who were also the section foremen, that the chairman of the committee
was ready to report. They were requested to meet at Dimling's where Bill
often assembled himself.

[Illustration: Bill's Report]

Brown arose to read his elaborate report. He began by making a short
explanatory speech mostly devoted to the immense amount of labor
entailed upon him in the investigation. He thanked the railroad people
for the confidence they had placed in him. He deplored his lack of
ability and knowledge. In fact, in his talk he expressed such a
contemptuous opinion of himself that those present (country folks), from
Hazelwood and Port Perry were wrothy that they had entrusted Bill with
the mission and money to complete the investigation. They were ignorant
of the fact that the speech was one he had delivered to the members of
another body yearly when elected to the office of treasurer.

Bill then read his report. It dealt with the crowned heads of Europe,
the free traders of Pennsylvania, the populists of Kansas and Nebraska,
the government of Ancient Greece and the wars of the Romans. Of course
this had nothing to do with the subject under investigation but it
served to rattle and confuse those to whom the report was read and
impress them with the wide scope of the investigation.

The report