,
condition, or sort, whom he would be obliged to meet in the world
outside?

And what, after all, were these trifles, these minor details in the
splendid completeness of the cloister? What were these petty
matters--mere nothings--in the scale as against peace, the cheerfulness
of the soul in the joy of the services and the fulfilment of the task of
praise? Would not the tide of worship cleanse everything, and wash away
the small defects of men, like straws in a stream? Was it not the case
of the mote and the beam, with the parts reversed--imperfections
discerned in others, when he was so far their inferior?

"Constantly, at the end of every argument, I find my own lack of
humility," said he to himself. "What efforts are needed to remove the
mire of my sins! In a convent perhaps I might rub the rust off," and he
dreamed of a purer life, a soul soaked in prayer, expanding in communion
with Christ, who might perhaps, without too much soiling Himself, come
down to dwell in him. "It is the only life desirable," cried he. "It is
settled!"

But then, like a douche of cold water, a reflection overwhelmed him. It
would in any case be the life in common, school-life, which would begin
again for him; it would be the garrison-rule of a convent!

This floored him. Then he tried to fight against it, and lost patience.

"Come, come!" he growled, "a man does not shut himself up in an abbey to
take his ease there; a convent is not a pious Sainte-Perine; he retires
there, I suppose, to expiate his sins and prepare for death. What, then,
is the use of expatiating on the kind of punishments to be endured? A
determination to accept them is all, to endure them and be strong!"

Did he, then, sincerely long for suffering and penance? He dared not
answer himself. In the depth of his soul a hesitating "Yes" rose up,
smothered at once by the clamour of cowardice and fear. Why then go?

He was only bewildering himself, and when the worst of this turmoil was
over he thought of a respite, or of some half-measure, some mild
mortification quite endurable, some repentance so slight as to be none
at all.

"I am an idiot," he concluded; "I am fighting with the air; I am
puzzling myself with words, about habits of which I have no knowledge.
The first thing to be done is to visit some Benedictine monastery--nay,
several--to compare them, and to see for myself what the life is that is
led there. Then the matter as to the oblates must be cleared up