for the army, my dear
sir."

"Oh, that is all very well--but somebody has got to pay for that beef.
It has got to be paid now, too, or I'll confiscate this old Patent Office
and everything in it."

"But, my dear sir--"

"It don't make any difference, sir. The Patent Office is liable for that
beef, I reckon; and, liable or not liable, the Patent Office has got to
pay for it."

Never mind the details. It ended in a fight. The Patent Office won.
But I found out something to my advantage. I was told that the Treasury
Department was the proper place for me to go to. I went there. I waited
two hours and a half, and then I was admitted to the First Lord of the
Treasury.

I said, "Most noble, grave, and reverend Signor, on or about the 10th day
of October, 1861, John Wilson Macken--"

"That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you. Go to the First Auditor
of the Treasury."

I did so. He sent me to the Second Auditor. The Second Auditor sent me
to the Third, and the Third sent me to the First Comptroller of the
Corn-Beef Division. This began to look like business. He examined his
books and all his loose papers, but found no minute of the beef contract.
I went to the Second Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. He examined
his books and his loose papers, but with no success. I was encouraged.
During that week I got as far as the Sixth Comptroller in that division;
the next week I got through the Claims Department; the third week I began
and completed the Mislaid Contracts Department, and got a foothold in the
Dead Reckoning Department. I finished that in three days. There was
only one place left for it now. I laid siege to the Commissioner of Odds
and Ends. To his clerk, rather--he was not there himself. There were
sixteen beautiful young ladies in the room, writing in books, and there
were seven well-favored young clerks showing them how. The young women
smiled up over their shoulders, and the clerks smiled back at them, and
all went merry as a marriage bell. Two or three clerks that were reading
the newspapers looked at me rather hard, but went on reading, and nobody
said anything. However, I had been used to this kind of alacrity from
Fourth Assistant Junior Clerks all through my eventful career, from the
very day I entered the first office of the Corn-Beef Bureau clear till I
passed out of the last one in the Dead Reckoning Division. I had got so
accomplished by this time that I could stand on