onial differences are usually discussed by the parties concerned
in the form of dialogue, in which the lady bears at least her full half
share. Those of Mr and Mrs Quilp, however, were an exception to the
general rule; the remarks which they occasioned being limited to a long
soliloquy on the part of the gentleman, with perhaps a few deprecatory
observations from the lady, not extending beyond a trembling
monosyllable uttered at long intervals, and in a very submissive and
humble tone. On the present occasion, Mrs Quilp did not for a long
time venture even on this gentle defence, but when she had recovered
from her fainting-fit, sat in a tearful silence, meekly listening to
the reproaches of her lord and master.

Of these Mr Quilp delivered himself with the utmost animation and
rapidity, and with so many distortions of limb and feature, that even
his wife, although tolerably well accustomed to his proficiency in
these respects, was well-nigh beside herself with alarm. But the
Jamaica rum, and the joy of having occasioned a heavy disappointment,
by degrees cooled Mr Quilp's wrath; which from being at savage heat,
dropped slowly to the bantering or chuckling point, at which it
steadily remained.

'So you thought I was dead and gone, did you?' said Quilp. 'You
thought you were a widow, eh? Ha, ha, ha, you jade.'

'Indeed, Quilp,' returned his wife. 'I'm very sorry--'

'Who doubts it!' cried the dwarf. 'You very sorry! to be sure you are.
Who doubts that you're VERY sorry!'

'I don't mean sorry that you have come home again alive and well,' said
his wife, 'but sorry that I should have been led into such a belief. I
am glad to see you, Quilp; indeed I am.'

In truth Mrs Quilp did seem a great deal more glad to behold her lord
than might have been expected, and did evince a degree of interest in
his safety which, all things considered, was rather unaccountable.
Upon Quilp, however, this circumstance made no impression, farther than
as it moved him to snap his fingers close to his wife's eyes, with
divers grins of triumph and derision.

'How could you go away so long, without saying a word to me or letting
me hear of you or know anything about you?' asked the poor little
woman, sobbing. 'How could you be so cruel, Quilp?'

'How could I be so cruel! cruel!' cried the dwarf. 'Because I was in
the humour. I'm in the humour now. I shall be cruel when I like. I'm
going away again.'

'Not again!'

'Yes, aga