boratory,' 'The
Temptation,' 'The Flight,' 'The Pursuit,' and so on, all invented, of
course. Other papers give the most outrageous anecdotes. Old jokes are
revived and ascribed to us. I am accused of tearing his hair out, and he
of coming home late at nights drunk. Two portraits of ferocious old
women supposed to be Ned's mother-in-law have been published. The latest
version appeared in a Sunday paper, and is quite popular in this hotel.
According to it, Ned was in the habit of 'devoting me to science' by
trying electrical experiments on me. 'This,' the account says, 'was kind
of rough on the poor woman.' The day before I 'scooted,' a new machine
appeared before the house, drawn by six horses. 'What are them men
foolin' round with, Mr. C.?' said I. 'That's hubby's latest,' replied
Ned. 'I guess it's the boss electro-dynamic fixin' in the universe.
Full charge that battery with a pint of washing soda, an' youll fetch up
a current fit to ravage a cont'nent. You shall have a try t'morro'
mornin', Sal. Youre better seasoned to it than most Britishers; but if
it dont straighten your hair and lift the sparks outer your
eyelashes--!' 'You bet it wont, Mr. C.,' said I. That night (this is
only what the paper says, mind) I stole out of bed; arranged the wires
on each side of Ned so that if he stirred an inch he would make contact;
charged the battery; and gently woke him, saying, 'Mr. C, love, dont
stir for your life. Them things that's ticklin' your whiskers is the
conductors of that boss fixin' o' yourn. If I was you, I'd lie still
until the battery runs down.' 'Darn it all,' said Ned, afraid to lift
his lips for a shout, and coming out in cold water all over the
forehead, 'it wont run down for a week clear.' 'That'll answer me
nicely,' I replied. 'Good-bye, Mr. C. Young Douglas from the corner
grocery is waitin' for me with a shay down the avenue.' I cannot help
laughing at these things, but they drive Sholto frantic. He is always
described in them as a young man from some shop or other. He tries hard,
out of delicacy, to keep the papers which contain them away from me; but
I hear about them at breakfast, and buy them downstairs in the hall for
myself. Another grievance of Sholto's is that I will not have meals
privately. But my dislike to being always alone with him is greater than
my dread that my secret will leak out, and that some morning I shall see
in the people's faces that the Mrs. Forster who has so often been
regale