he had sworn
he did nothing of the sort; many newspapers, on his own side, wanted
him expelled from the House. Heaven knows what the _hidden_ doings
of a man like that are. The samples that have come to light are the
worst possible. To wind up with, he went to Chicago expressly to
look after John Sherman's interests for the nomination, and then
sold him clean out, boots, hat and all! No wonder he said: "My God,
what will John Sherman say?"

And what did Sherman say?

--The "machine" put the screw on, and _honest_ John Sherman had to
say he was the best man in the country to make President.

Did the audience notice any swelling in John's throat?

--No; but he got a bad attack of the hiccoughs soon after.

Stomach too full, I suppose?

--Exactly. John would have liked to _throw up_ Garfield, but the
"machine" forced John to keep him on his stomach. That's what was
the matter.

Well, but after all, Garfield served his country?

--He did, served her a good many dirty tricks.

That's not what I mean. Didn't he serve in the army?

--What army?

The regular army.

--Do you mean to insult that splendid set of officers?

No, I'm serious.

--He was a volunteer colonel for about a year, and then slipped into
Congress when Hayes said any man that did so ought to be _scalped_.
Hayes deserves one for that, anyhow.

Can you mention any "hot affairs" in which he was engaged?

--Yes; he led the "left" wing of the Credit Mobilier brigade in the
raid on the Treasury, under Oakes Ames, was desperately wounded and
received honorable mention from Schuyler Colfax, since dismissed the
service. He headed the "forlorn hope" in the attack on the Washington
pavements. Was again badly wounded; this time in the--no, I mean,
_from_ behind by his own men. In this attack a _private_ named de
Golyer used a $5,000 dollar bill for wadding, which was found when
the wound was probed. This wound is still open, as well as the first,
and both give the _daring partisan_ constant and dreadful annoyance.

What _great_ services to the country! Go on, please.

--He was conspicuous in many other engagements. He covered the advance
of the Salary and Back Pay Brigade in another fierce assault on the
Treasury. Here he was so desperately wounded that his friends insisted
on his resigning and nursing his * * * character. He refused, and his
fellow soldiers have nominated him to supersede General Hayes as
Commander-in-Chief of the "Silent Steelers.