f that which was to be my ruin here and hereafter. Whatever I did was
of my own free will, after I had had time to reflect. Thus God is
justified; he had no hand in my destruction, but, on the contrary, he did
all that was compatible with justice to prevent it. I hasten to the
fatal moment. Awaking in the night, I determined that nothing should
prevent my committing the sin. Arising from my bed, I went out upon the
wooden gallery; and having stood for a few moments looking at the stars,
with which the heavens were thickly strewn, I laid myself down, and
supporting my face with my hand, I murmured out words of horror--words
not to be repeated, and in this manner I committed the sin against the
Holy Ghost.

"When the words were uttered I sat up upon the topmost step of the
gallery; for some time I felt stunned in somewhat the same manner as I
once subsequently felt after being stung by an adder. I soon arose,
however, and retired to my bed, where, notwithstanding what I had done, I
was not slow in falling asleep.

"I awoke several times during the night, each time with a dim idea that
something strange and monstrous had occurred, but I presently fell asleep
again; in the morning I awoke with the same vague feeling, but presently
recollection returned, and I remembered that I had committed the sin
against the Holy Ghost. I lay musing for some time on what I had done,
and I felt rather stunned, as before; at last I arose and got out of bed,
dressed myself, and then went down on my knees, and was about to pray
from the force of mechanical habit; before I said a word, however, I
recollected myself, and got up again. What was the use of praying? I
thought; I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost.

"I went to school, but sat stupified. I was again chidden, again beaten
by my master. I felt no anger this time, and scarcely heeded the
strokes. I looked, however, at my master's face, and thought to myself,
you are beating me for being idle, as you suppose; poor man, what would
you do if you knew I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost?

"Days and weeks passed by. I had once been cheerful, and fond of the
society of children of my own age; but I was now reserved and gloomy. It
seemed to me that a gulf separated me from all my fellow-creatures. I
used to look at my brothers and schoolfellows, and think how different I
was from them; they had not done what I had. I seemed, in my own eyes, a
lone monst