leasure, through the medium of the
understanding. This I feel must be a useless search, for the further I
go, the more unattainable is the contentment which I hoped a degree of
excellence might have produced;--the further I go, the further does my
idea of perfection extend; therefore this way of attaining happiness I
find is impossible. Never in my life was I so sensible of the real
weakness of man, though to all appearance so strong; for I am persuaded
that it is almost impossible to conduct oneself through this world,
without being sincerely religious. The human mind must have an object,
and let that object be the attainment of eternal happiness. * * * After
such considerations, can I be so weak as not to make religion my only
pursuit? That which will, I believe, bring my mind into beautiful order,
and, rendering all worldly objects subservient to its use, harmonize the
whole, and fit it to bear fruit to all eternity, and the fruit of
righteousness is peace. I have felt my mind very much softened of late,
and more and more see the beauty of holiness, but all the progress I can
say that I have made towards it, is in loving it more;--yet I feel I have
a great way to go before my heart is entirely given up."

Feb. 9th, 1807. "To-day I am twenty; let me endeavour to describe with
sincerity what twenty years have effected upon me; how difficult self-
love and blindness make answering the questions, What am I? How far am I
advanced in the great end of being, the making such use of my time here,
that it may bear fruit when time with me is over? When I look upon
myself with the greatest seriousness, how ill do I think of myself! I
see myself endowed with powers, which I often, (I hope, with a pure and
unfeigned heart,) wish may be applied aright. But in my mind, what
strong 'bulls of Bashan' compass me about! What I fear most, and that
which sometimes comes upon me most awfully, is, that my will is not
properly brought into subjection. * * * Often when clothed with something
of heavenly love, do I feel that I had rather be a door-keeper in the
house of my God, than dwell in king's palaces, but I fear the general
tendency of my pursuits would make me more fit for the latter than the
former. What I want and do most sincerely wish for, is, that I may be
truly humble, and that where pride now reigns, humility may prevail; and
where ambition, contentment."

In 1808, the death of a favourite first cousin appears to have