to himself_). "I hope Lawson isn't looking
at me."]

"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not
infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after
midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons,
I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking
fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody
to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was
there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing
any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of
my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all--Sir WILFRID
LAWSON."

* * * * *

I'D BE A CRIMINAL.

A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION.

TUNE--_I'D BE A BUTTERFLY_.

I'd be a criminal, born in a slum,
Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet;
For when to the court for my trial I come,
I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet.

Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power,
And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet;
Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower,
And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet.

They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary,
Some hope of escape to my prison to bring,
And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy
And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing.

Those I have butchered will get scant attention,
Interest's sure to be centred in me.
Painters will picture me, poets may mention,
Beauties discuss me at five o'clock tea.

Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition,
Hypnotists swear I was somebody's tool;
And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition
Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool.

Murder--and good Dr. LIEGOIS of Nancy
Will back you, LABRUYERE will help you away.
I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy,
He is the only true Hero to-day!

* * * * *

THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK.

(_FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS._)

_The Strike in Scotland_.--You might suggest, that were it in Ireland,
one might see a _rail_ way out of it, or rather in it. This jest may
be expected to be appreciated by a parson's wife of the sharper sort.
Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to
the North. Example of what can be done in this direction:--"People