uld even write day by day and month by month
without showing a flaw in my copy; but that only argued I was no more
than they intimated, a regular automaton. I let them think so, with the
certainty before me that they would one day change their minds as others
had done. The fact was, I loved nobody well enough, not even myself,
to care for any man's opinion. Life was well-nigh a blank to me; a dead
level plain that had to be traversed whether I would or not. And such
it might have continued to this day if I had never met Mary Leavenworth.
But when, some nine months since, I left my desk in the counting-house
for a seat in Mr. Leavenworth's library, a blazing torch fell into
my soul whose flame has never gone out, and never will, till the doom
before me is accomplished.

She was so beautiful! When, on that first evening, I followed my new
employer into the parlor, and saw this woman standing up before me
in her half-alluring, half-appalling charm, I knew, as by a lightning
flash, what my future would be if I remained in that house. She was
in one of her haughty moods, and bestowed upon me little more than a
passing glance. But her indifference made slight impression upon me
then. It was enough that I was allowed to stand in her presence and look
unrebuked upon her loveliness. To be sure, it was like gazing into the
flower-wreathed crater of an awakening volcano. Fear and fascination
were in each moment I lingered there; but fear and fascination made the
moment what it was, and I could not have withdrawn if I would.

And so it was always. Unspeakable pain as well as pleasure was in the
emotion with which I regarded her. Yet for all that I did not cease to
study her hour by hour and day by day; her smiles, her movement, her way
of turning her head or lifting her eyelids. I had a purpose in this. I
wished to knit her beauty so firmly into the warp and woof of my being
that nothing could ever serve to tear it away. For I saw then as plainly
as now that, coquette though she was, she would never stoop to me. No;
I might lie down at her feet and let her trample over me; she would not
even turn to see what it was she had stepped upon. I might spend days,
months, years, learning the alphabet of her wishes; she would not thank
me for my pains or even raise the lashes from her cheek to look at me as
I passed. I was nothing to her, could not be anything unless--and this
thought came slowly--I could in some way become her master.

M