e I am generally absent-minded my
conduct is ascribed to that."

(Vienna, June 29, 1800, to Wegeler. "To you only do I confide this as a
secret." Concerning his deafness see Appendix.)

222. "My defective hearing appeared everywhere before me like a ghost; I
fled from the presence of men, was obliged to appear to be a misanthrope
although I am so little such."

(November 16, 1801, or 1800, to Wegeler, in writing to him about his
happy love. "Unfortunately, she is not of my station in life.")

223. "Truly, a hard lot has befallen me! Yet I accept the decree of
Fate, and continually pray to God to grant that as long as I must endure
this death in life, I may be preserved from want."

(March 14, 1827, to Moscheles, after Beethoven had undergone the fourth
operation for dropsy and was confronting the fifth. He died on March 26,
1827.)

224. "Live alone in your art! Restricted though you be by your defective
sense, this is still the only existence for you."

(Diary, 1816.)

225. "Dissatisfied with many things, more susceptible than any other
person and tormented by my deafness, I often find only suffering in the
association with others."

(In 1815, to Brauchle, tutor in the house of Countess Erdody.)

226. "I have emptied a cup of bitter suffering and already won martyrdom
in art through the kindness of art's disciples and my art associates."

(In the summer of 1814, to Advocate Kauka. "Socrates and Jesus were my
exemplars," he remarks in a conversation-book of 1819.)

227. "Perfect the ear trumpets as far as possible, and then travel; this
you owe to yourself, to mankind and to the Almighty! Only thus can you
develop all that is still locked within you;--and a little court,--a
little chapel,--writing the music and having it performed to the glory
of the Almighty, the Eternal, the Infinite---"

(Diary, 1815. Beethoven was hoping to receive an appointment as
chapelmaster from his former pupil, Archduke Rudolph, Archbishop of
Olmutz.)

228. "God help me. Thou seest me deserted by all mankind. I do not want
to do wrong,--hear my prayer to be with my Karl in the future for which
there seems to be no possibility now. O, harsh Fate, cruel destiny. No,
my unhappy condition will never end. 'This I feel and recognize clearly:
Life is not the greatest of blessings; but the greatest of evils is
guilt.' (From Schiller's "Braut von Messina"). There is no salva