my Ordination. Sunday was something between a very sorrowful and a
very happy day.

'I did not see the whole truth at first. I was only aware of my
unhappy temper, which had provoked the immediate punishment; but the
effort (generally a failure) to prevent my irritability from adding to
the distresses I had brought on my poor wife, opened my eyes to much
that I had never understood. Yet I had presumed to become an
instructor--I deemed myself irreproachable!

'I believe the origin of the whole was, that I never distinguished a
fierce spirit of self-exaltation from my grandmother's noble resolution
to be independent. It was a demon which took the semblance of good,
and left no room for demons of a baser sort. Even as a boy at the
Grammar-school, I kept out of evil from the pride of proving myself
gentlemanly under any circumstances; the motive was not a bit better
than that which made me bully you. I can never remember being without
an angry and injured feeling that my uncle's neglect left my
grandmother burdened, and obliged me to receive an inferior education;
and with this, a certain hope that he would never put himself in the
right, nor lay me under obligations. You saw how this motive actuated
me, when I never discerned it. I trust that I was not insincere, though
presumptuous and self-deceiving I was to an extent which I can only
remember with horror. If it approached to sacrilege, may the wilful
blindness be forgiven! At least, I knew it not; and with all my heart
I meant to fulfil the vows I had taken on me. Thus, when my uncle
actually returned, there was a species of revengeful satisfaction in
making my profession interfere with his views, when he had made it the
only one eligible for me. How ill I behaved--how obstinately I set
myself against all mediation--how I wrapped myself in
self-approval--you know better than I do. My conceit, and absurdity,
and thanklessness, have risen up before me; and I remember offers that
would have involved no sacrifice of my clerical obligations--offers
that I would not even consider--classing them all as 'mere truckling
with my conscience.' What did I take for a conscience?

'Ever since, things have gone from bad to worse, grieving my dear
grandmother's last year, and estranging me from my poor little sister
because she would not follow my dictation. At last my sins brought
down the penalty, and I would not grieve except for the innocent who
suffer with me.