go. All the yearnings of her heart,
during many years, seemed on the point of being gratified. The next
entry in her journal refers to this illness:

_Sunday, May 24th, 1857._--Just reading over the last record how ashamed
I felt of my faithlessness! To see dear baby so improved by the very
change I dreaded, and to hear her pretty, cheerful prattle, and to
find in her such a source of joy and comfort--what undeserved, what
unlooked-for mercies! But like a physician who changes his remedies as
he sees occasion, and who forbears using all his severe ones at once, my
Father first relieved me from my wearing care and pain about this dear
child, and then put me under new discipline. It is now nearly six months
since I have been in usual health, and eight weeks of great prostration
and suffering have been teaching me many needed lessons. Now, contrary
to my hopes and expectations, I find myself almost well again. At first,
having got my heart _set_ toward heaven and after fancying myself almost
there, I felt disappointed to find its gates still shut against me. [10]

But God was very good to me and taught me to yield in this point to His
wiser and better will; He made me, as far as I know, as peaceful in
the prospect of living as joyful in the prospect of dying. Heaven
did, indeed, look very attractive when I thought myself so near it;
I pictured myself as no longer a sinner but a blood-washed saint; I
thought I shall soon see Him whom my soul loveth, and see Him as He is;
I shall never wound, never grieve Him again, and all my companions will
be they who worship Him and adore Him. But not yet am I there! Alas, not
yet a saint! My soul is oppressed, now that health is returning, to find
old habits of sin returning too, and this monster Self usurping God's
place, as of old, and pride and love of ease and all the infirmities of
the flesh thick upon me. After being encompassed with mercies for two
months, having every comfort this world could offer for my alleviation,
I wonder at myself that I can be anything but a meek, docile child,
profiting by the Master's discipline, sensible of the tenderness that
went hand-in-hand with every stroke, and walking softly before God and
man! But I am indeed a wayward child and in need of many more stripes.
May I be made willing and thankful to bear them.

Indeed, I do thank my dear Master that He does not let me alone, and
that He has let me suffer so much; it has been a rich experience, thi