ere away when he
was speaking; and I was thinking, Oh that this man would drop my hand, and
rise up from before my feet! I knew his great and noble qualities, greater
and nobler than mine a thousand times, as yours are, cousin, I tell you, a
million and a million times better. But 'twas not for these I took him. I
took him to have a great place in the world, and I lost it. I lost it, and
do not deplore him--and I often thought, as I listened to his fond vows and
ardent words, Oh, if I yield to this man, and meet _the other_, I shall
hate him and leave him! I am not good, Harry: my mother is gentle and good
like an angel. I wonder how she should have had such a child. She is weak,
but she would die rather than do a wrong; I am stronger than she, but I
would do it out of defiance. I do not care for what the parsons tell me
with their droning sermons: I used to see them at Court as mean and as
worthless as the meanest woman there. Oh, I am sick and weary of the
world! I wait but for one thing, and when 'tis done, I will take Frank's
religion and your poor mother's, and go into a nunnery, and end like her.
Shall I wear the diamonds then?--they say the nuns wear their best trinkets
the day they take the veil. I will put them away as you bid me; farewell,
cousin, mamma is pacing the next room, racking her little head to know
what we have been saying. She is jealous, all women are. I sometimes think
that is the only womanly quality I have."

"Farewell. Farewell, brother!" She gave him her cheek as a brotherly
privilege. The cheek was as cold as marble.

Esmond's mistress showed no signs of jealousy when he returned to the room
where she was. She had schooled herself so as to look quite inscrutably,
when she had a mind. Amongst her other feminine qualities she had that of
being a perfect dissembler.

He rid away from Castlewood to attempt the task he was bound on, and stand
or fall by it; in truth his state of mind was such, that he was eager for
some outward excitement to counteract that gnawing malady which he was
inwardly enduring.

Chapter VIII. I Travel To France And Bring Home A Portrait Of Rigaud

Mr. Esmond did not think fit to take leave at Court, or to inform all the
world of Pall Mall and the coffee-houses, that he was about to quit
England; and chose to depart in the most private manner possible. He
procured a pass as for a Frenchman, through Dr. Atterbury, who did that
business for him, getting the signat