D'YE DO, SIR?"]

* * * * *

BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.

(_By a Grateful Student of the New English Dictionary_.)

I can conjugate the modern verb "to wangle,"
And, if required, translate it into Greek;
I can even tell a wurzel from a mangel;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I still can march eight furlongs at the double,
Although I shall be seventy next week;
I can separate a bubble from a bubble;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I know a catfish differs from a seamew;
I don't expect Bellaggio at Belleek;
I know a cassowary from an emu;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I'm acquainted with the works of HENRY PURZELL
(My mastery of spelling is unique);
I repeat, I know a mangel from a wurzel;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I'm proficient both in jotting and in tittling;
I know a certain cure for boots that creak;
I can see through Mr. KEYNES and _Mr. Britling_;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I can always tell a _hari_ from a _kari_
("_Harakiri_" is a silly pedant's freak);
I can tell the style of CAINE from that of MARIE;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I never take a DEELEY for a DOOLEY;
I never take a putter for a cleek;
I never talk of HEALY, meaning HOOLEY;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

I understand the sense of "oils are spotty";
I know the height of Siniolchum's peak;
I know that some may think my ditty dotty;
But I cannot tell a bubble from a squeak.

P.S.

I know the market price of eggs in Surrey,
The acreage of maize in Mozambique--
And now at last, thanks to immortal "MURRAY,"
I've learned to tell a bubble from a squeak.

[Illustration: "OH, GEORGE WE MUST HAVE STEPPED OFF WITH THE WRONG
FOOT!"]

* * * * *

THE CONSERVATISM OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you take no sides in party politics, but I
still think you would like to hear why it is that I have gone over to
the Independent Liberals. No, it has nothing to do with Mr. ASQUITH'S
triumphal procession and still less with the NORTHCLIFFE Press. The
fact is that till quite recently I belonged to the true blue Tory
school--was indeed probably the last survivor of the Old Guard--and
I found myself out of touch with the progressive tendencies of modern
Toryism, its deplorable w