you claim----

CARVE. Excuse me. I claim nothing except to be let alone. Certainly I do
not ask to be accepted as Ilam Carve. I was leading a placid and
agreeable existence in a place called Putney, an ideal existence with a
pearl among women, when my tranquillity was disturbed and my life
transformed into a perfect nightmare by a quarrel between a retail
trades-man (indicating EBAG) and a wholesale ink-dealer (indicating
TEXEL) about one of my pictures. It does not concern me. My role is and
will be passive. If I am forced into the witness-box I shall answer
questions to the worst of my ability, and I shall do no more. I am not
cross. I am not sulking; but I consider that I have a grievance. If I am
here, it is solely because my wife does what she likes with me.

TEXEL. Bravo! This is as good as the trial.

ALCAR. (Good-humouredly.) Will you answer questions here?

CARVE. (Good-humouredly.) It depends.

ALCAR. Do you assert that you are Ilam Carve?

CARVE. I assert nothing.

ALCAR. Are you Ilam Carve?

CARVE. Yes, but I don't want to be.

ALCAR. Might I inquire why you allowed your servant to be buried in your
name?

CARVE. Well, he always did everything for me--a most useful man.... But
I didn't 'allow' him to be buried in my name. On the contrary, I told
various people that I was not dead--but strange to say, nobody would
believe me. My handsome, fascinating cousin here wouldn't even let me
begin to tell him. Even my wife wouldn't believe me, so I gave it up.

(TEXEL does not conceal his enjoyment of the scene.)

CYRUS. (Grimly.) Which wife?

(CARVE twiddles his thumbs.)

ALCAR. But do you mean----

TEXEL. May I interrupt, Lord Leonard? I could listen for hours to this
absolutely stupendous gentleman. A circus is nothing to it. But aren't
we jumping the track? I've got two witnesses. Mr. Cyrus Carve will swear
that your Mr. X is not his cousin. And the original Mrs. Albert Shawn
will swear that he is her husband. That's my case. How is my esteemed
opponent going to answer it?

EBAG. In the first place, have you cross-examined this very original
Mrs. Albert Shawn?

TEXEL. Come. You don't mean to argue that a woman could mistake another
man for her own husband--even after twenty-five years or so?

EBAG. (Smiling apologetically for his freedom.) According to the
divorce reports, they're constantly doing it after one year, to say
nothing of twenty-five.

TEXEL. (Appreciative.) Good! Th