. My brother said I
would be sure to come home a beggar. And do you know what hurt my
feelings most of all?--to hear all my countrymen still call me the
Goatherd. My brother was to blame, for my being obliged to bear this
degrading nickname all my life. I had all sorts of ideas in my head,
and thought of sending him a couple of thousand gulden, and writing
along with the money--'The Goatherd sends you this for the hundred
boxes on the ear, for which he is still in your debt; and for all the
kindness you have shown him, and all the care you have taken of him.' I
often resolved to do this, but somehow I never did. I could no longer
remain in Moscow. I wished to go home; but instead of going home I went
to Tiflis, and stayed there eleven years; and as I began to grow older,
I thought--'You must now act quite differently: you must go home, and
take a whole sackful of gold with you; and all the people in the place
shall see it except your brother, and you will not say one word to
him.' And all this brooding over the matter, led me at last to be
firmly convinced that he had persecuted and neglected me, and that he
would have been glad if I had died. I was determined that he should be
punished for this. I almost hated him, and often thought many evil
things about him; and yet I could not get rid of his image, nor prevent
myself from dwelling on it. Besides, I had always a longing for home,
greater than I can describe. No water in the world was so good as that
of the well near the church at home; and on summer evenings, how sweet
the air was--quite like balsam! I would have given a thousand gulden to
any one who could have brought me a roomful of air from home. These
were ideas that passed through my brain thousands of times. And then I
rejoiced in the thought how all the men in the upper and lower villages
would flock together and say--'That is Peter,' or Petrowitsch, as they
used to call me; and they should all be feasted for three days, and eat
and drink as much as they liked. And in the large meadow before our
house I would place long tables, and all should come who chose to come;
all--all might have a place there except my brother. And yet, in the
midst of this rancour, I felt that he was the only man in the world I
really loved; but I was unwilling to own this to myself. Every
successive year I said--'At the very next settlement I will go.' But I
could never tear myself away; for in such a business as mine, where all
you t