Sir, since this 'ere shortage of 'ouses we ain't
allowed to make 'em any more."

* * * * *

THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

(_Written after reading Mr. Francis W. GALPIN'S "Old English
Instruments of Music_.")

I am no skilful vocalist;
I can't control my _mezza gola_;
I have but an indifferent fist
(Or foot) upon the Pianola.

But there are instruments, I own,
That fire me with a fond ambition
To master for their names alone
Apart from their august tradition.

They are the Fipple-Flute, a word
Suggestive of seraphic screeches;
The Poliphant comes next, and third
The Humstrum--aren't they perfect peaches?

About their tone I cannot say
Much that would carry clear conviction,
For, till I read of them to-day,
I knew them not in fact or fiction.

As yet I am, alas! without
Instruction in the art of fippling,
Though something may be found about
It in the works of LEAR or KIPLING.

And possibly I may unearth
In LECKY or in LAURENCE OLIPHANT
Some facts to remedy my dearth
Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.

But, now their pictures I have seen
In GALPIN'S learned dissertation,
So far as in me lies I mean
To bring about their restoration.

Yet since I cannot learn all three
And time is ever onward humming,
My few remaining years shall be
Devoted wholly to humstrumming.

That, when my bones to rest are laid,
Upon my tomb it may be written:
"He was the very last who played
Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."

* * * * *

THE SPIDER.

Lately we had occasion to consider the place of the grasshopper in
modern politics. Now let us consider the place of the spider in our
social life.

It seems to me that the spider is the most accomplished and in some
ways the most sensible insect we have in these parts. In my opinion a
great deal too much fuss has been made about the bee. She is a knowing
little thing, but the spider is her superior in many ways. Yet no one
seems to write books or educational rhymes about the spider. It is
really a striking example of the well-known hypocrisy and materialism
of the British race. The bee is held up to the young as a model of
industry and domestic virtue--and why? Simply because she manufactures
food which we happen to like. The spider is held up to the young as
the type of rapacity, malice and