as follows:

"Gentlemen: considering the state of morals in our unfortunate country,
arising as it does from the use of intoxicating liquors and the flesh
of animals, I feel myself called upon to impress upon the consciences
of this respectable auditory the necessity of studying the admirable
principles of the great philosopher whose simplicity of life in food and
drink I humbly endeavor to imitate. Modern society, my friends, is all
wrong, and, of course, is proceeding upon an erroneous and pernicious
system--that of eating the flesh of animals and indulging in the use,
or rather the abuse, of liquors, that heat the blood and intoxicate the
brain into the indulgence of passion and the commission of crime."

Here the little doctor threw a glass of usquebaugh--now called
whiskey--into the half-emptied cup which stood before Cooke.

"A vegetable diet, gentlemen, is that which was appointed for us by
Providence, and water like this our drink. And, indeed, water like
this is delicious drink. The Spa of Ballyspellan stands unrivalled for
strength and flavor, and its capacity of exhilarating the animal spirits
is extraordinary. You see, gentlemen, how copiously I drink it; servant,
fill my glass again--thank you."

In the meantime, and before he touched it, the doctor whipped another
glass of whiskey into it--an act which the Pythagorean, who was, as
we have said, unusually tall, and kept his eye upon the company, could
neither suspect nor see.

"It has been ignorantly said that the structure of the human mouth is an
argument against me as to the quality of our food, and that the growth
of grapes is a proof that wine was ordained to be drank by men. It
is perfectly well known that a man may eat a bushel of grapes without
getting drunk; because the pure vegetable possesses no intoxicating
power any more than the water which I am now drinking--and delicious
water it is!"

Here the doctor dug his elbow into the fat ribs of Topertoe, whose face,
in the meantime, seemed in a blaze of indignation.

"I tell you what, philosopher, curse me, but you are an infidel."

"I have the honor, sir," he replied, "to be an infidel--as every
philosopher is. The truth of what I am stating to you has been tested
by philosophers, and it has been ascertained, that no quantity of grapes
eaten by an individual could make him drunk."

The doctor gave the parson another dig, and winked at him to keep quiet.

"Sir," said the parson, unable, h