I could not on my side put any
obstacle in their way. C---- C---- was no impediment to them. They were
certain of conquering her the moment she was not hindered by my presence.
It rested entirely with M---- M----, who had perfect control over her.
Poor girl! I saw her on the high road to debauchery, and it was my own
doing! I sighed when I thought how little I had spared them in our last
orgie, and what would become of me if both of them should happen to be,
by my doing, in such a position as to be compelled to run away from the
convent? I could imagine both of them thrown upon my hands, and the
prospect was not particularly agreeable. It would be an 'embarras de
richesse'. In this miserable contest between reason and prejudice,
between nature and sentiment, I could not make up my mind either to go to
the supper or to remain absent from it. "If I go," said I to myself,
"that night will pass with perfect decency, but I shall prove myself very
ridiculous, jealous, ungrateful, and even wanting in common politeness:
if I remain absent, C---- C---- is lost, at least, in my estimation, for I
feel that my love will no longer exist, and then good-bye to all idea of
a marriage with her." In the perplexity of mind in which I found myself,
I felt a want of something more certain than mere probabilities to base
my decision upon. I put on my mask, and repaired to the mansion of the
French ambassador. I addressed myself to the gate-keeper, saying that I
had a letter for Versailles, and that I would thank him to deliver it to
the courier when he went back to France with his excellency's dispatches.

"But, sir," answered the man, "we have not had a special courier for the
last two months:"

"What? Did not a special cabinet messenger arrive here last night?"

"Then he must have come in through the garret window or down the chimney,
for, on the word of an honest man, none entered through the gate."

"But the ambassador worked all night?"

"That may be, sir, but not here, for his excellency dined with the
Spanish ambassador, and did not return till very late:"

I had guessed rightly. I could no longer entertain any doubt. It was all
over; I could not draw back without shame. C---- C---- must resist, if the
game was distasteful to her; no violence would of course be offered to
her. The die was cast!

Towards evening I went to the casino of Muran, and wrote a short note to
M---- M----, requesting her to excuse me if some important bus