urposes in a hammock or while coming back from
a straw ride, but I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our
development, before the presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to
awaken responsive throbs in our several bosoms--in short when girls were
merely nuisances and things to be ignored whenever possible. In that
early stage of his existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or
ornamental value for a boy--they are for useful purposes altogether and
are regarded as such.

It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence
collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often
not enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing
your first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock
tea. There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not
fall over a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly
tangled up in a hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while
holding in his hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves,
a two-quart hat, a cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea
spoon, a lump of sugar, a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady
with whom he is discussing the true meaning of the message of the late
Ibsen but these gifted mortals are not common. They are rare and exotic.
There are also some few who can do ushing at a church wedding with a
pair of white kids on and not appear overly self-conscious. These are
also the exceptions. The great majority of us suffer visibly under
such circumstances. You have the feeling that each hand weighs fully
twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of the sleeve for a
distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you don't know what
to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much more comfortable
and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists and hidden some
place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling and you look
it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris factory
and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It would be
grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one at a
church wedding.

About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and
weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance
of your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern
one way or the other, but some day you wake to the realizat