be as a Christian absolution for me. I will again
live and hope when protected by their tenderness. I will begin the new
year with them; it may perhaps be the dawn of my happiness! I was
formerly so happy at Maleszow....

CASTLE OF MALESZOW, _January 5th, 1761._

I have been here several days, but I think I will soon return to
Sulgostow. I suffer everywhere, and it always seems to me that I will be
most happy in whatever place I am not. My lot is brilliant in
imagination, but miserable in reality. And yet, my parents have received
me well, and have treated me with the greatest kindness. But a matter of
comparatively slight importance is one of the causes of my uneasiness
here: I have no money; I cannot make the slightest present to my
sisters, and can give nothing to the people of the castle.

When I was with the princess, she provided for all my wants, and gave me
besides a small sum every month; I could save nothing, nor indeed could
I anticipate any cause for doing so. I now find myself in the most
complete state of destitution, and would rather die than ask for money
from my husband or my parents, who of course think that I am abundantly
provided for. When Barbara returned from the school of the Holy
Sacrament, she doubtless had much less money than I spent during my
sojourn in Warsaw, and yet she made a small gift to every one. She was
not, as I, bowed down beneath the weight of melancholy thoughts; her
spirit was free and her heart was joyous. She could think of others, and
offer the labor of her own hands when more costly presents were
wanting.... But I, unquiet, agitated, passing alternately from the most
actual and positive grief to fears still more terrible, cannot apply
myself a single moment.

Formerly, when I was happy through hope, and when all life seemed to me
one brilliant illusion, I fancied that when I should return to Maleszow
after my marriage, I would be followed by as long a train as a queen; I
forgot no one in my dreams; all had their share in my royal favors....
Ah! what a fearful contrast between my desires and the reality!

I have not passed a single day since I came here without shedding tears.
When I first saw my parents I wished to throw myself at their feet; but
my father prevented me, and, treating me as if I were a stranger, made
me a profound bow. Whenever I enter the saloon, he rises and will not
sit near me; the homage he considers due to my dignity as princess royal
overpower