to my native landy, oh!
With a big moustache, and but little cash,
Though the latter would come in handy, oh!
Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh!
I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh!
But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office,
Seem not--at present--for GRANDY, oh!

Well, I chucked them up,--was it _nous_ or _pique_?
_Is_ the prodigal worst of ninnies?
The fatted calf, and the better half
Of his father's love--and guineas,--
May fall to his share as he homeward lies,
When the husks have lost their flavour.
_My_ calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes,
And I don't yet sniff its savour.
I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh!
Retired from Mashona-landy, oh!
I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER HAGGARD
(Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," oh!)
Says Africa always comes handy, oh!
For "something new." It sounds grandy, oh!
But a telling new plot I'm afraid is _not_
The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh!

Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not;
(Though a few did come to greet me;)
The general verdict's "A very queer lot!"
Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me.
_He_ does not spy me afar off. No!
He would rather I kept my distance;
And if to the front I again should go,
'Twon't be with _his_ assistance.
He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh'
In political harness not handy, oh!
I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob,
That lank and effeminate dandy, oh!
Well, a prodigal son _may_ be "sandy." oh!
I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh!
And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure of a snub
From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION."

_Philistine Wife_. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW. BUT
THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS _NOT_ EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY
EVERY WEEK."

_Journalist_ (_much worried_). "NO, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS
DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING."

[_He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he
didn't, the subject dropped._]

* * * * *

THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM.

_Question_. Have you a right to ask any question in Court?

_Answer_. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion.

_Ques._ What do you understand by discretion?

_Ans._ An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the
P