of 'em. But I knew you just the same. You
can't fool J.P. Wamsley. You see, there's a peculiar air about a man
that's accustomed to handle any particular line of goods. You can tell
'em all, if you'll just notice,--any of 'em,--white-goods counter,
lawyer, doctor, travelin' man, politician, railroad,--every one of 'em's
got his sign out, and it don't take a Sherlock Holmes to read it,
neither. It's the same way with them gospel goods. You'll excuse me, but
when I saw you come in here and light a cigar, with an air of
I-will-now-give-you-a-correct-imitation-of-a-human-being, I says to
myself, 'There's one of my gospel friends.' Murder will out, as the
feller says.

"Experience, did you say? I must have had considerable experience? Well,
I guess yes! Didn't you never hear of my invention, Wamsley's Automatic
Pastor, Self-feedin' Preacher and Lightning Caller? Say, that was the
hottest scheme ever. I'll tell you about it.

"You see, it's this way. I'm not a church member myself--believe in it,
you know, and all that sort of thing,--I'm for religion strong, and when
it comes to payin' I'm right there with the goods. My wife is a member,
and a good one; in fact, she's so blame good that we average up pretty
well.

"Well, one day they elected me to the board of trustees at the church;
because I was the heaviest payer, I suppose. I kicked some, not bein'
anxious to pose as a pious individual, owin' to certain brethren in the
town who had a little confidential information on J.P. and might be
inclined to get funny. But they insisted, allowin' that me bein' the
most prominent and successful merchant in the town, and similar rot, I
ought to line up and help out the cause, and so on; so finally I give
in.

"I went to two or three of their meetin's--and say, honest, they were
the fiercest things ever."

The minister smiled knowingly.

"You're on, I see. Ain't those official meetin's of a church the limit?
Gee! Once I went--a cold winter night--waded through snow knee-deep to a
giraffe--and sat there two hours, while they discussed whether they'd
fix the pastor's back fence or not--price six dollars! I didn't say
anything, bein' sort o' new, you know, but I made up my mind that next
time I'd turn loose on 'em, if it was the last thing I did.

"I says to my wife when I got home, 'Em,' says I, 'if gittin' religion
gives a man softenin' of the brain, like I see it workin' on them men
there to-night, I'm afraid I ain't on prayi