experience of my defective hearing! and yet it
was not possible for me to say to people, 'Speak louder--bawl--for I
am deaf!' Ah! how could I proclaim the defect of a sense that I once
possessed in the highest perfection--in a perfection in which few of my
colleagues possess or ever did possess it? Indeed, I cannot! Forgive
me, then, if ye see me draw back when I would gladly mingle among you.
Doubly mortifying is my misfortune to me, as it must tend to cause me to
be misconceived. From recreation in the society of my fellow-creatures,
from the pleasures of conversation, from the effusions of friendship, I
am cut off. Almost alone in the world, I dare not venture into society
more than absolute necessity requires. I am obliged to live as an
exile. If I go into company, a painful anxiety comes over me, since I am
apprehensive of being exposed to the danger of betraying my situation.
Such has been my state, too, during this half year that I have spent in
the country. Enjoined by my intelligent physician to spare my hearing
as much as possible, I have been almost encouraged by him in my present
natural disposition, though, hurried away by my fondness for society, I
sometimes suffered myself to be enticed into it. But what a humiliation
when any one standing beside me could hear at a distance a flute that I
could not hear, or any one heard the shepherd singing, and I could
not distinguish a sound! Such circumstances brought me to the brink of
despair, and had well-nigh made me put an end to my life: nothing but
my art held my hand. Ah! it seemed to me impossible to quit the world
before I had produced all that I felt myself called to accomplish. And
so I endured this wretched life--so truly wretched, that a somewhat
speedy change is capable of transporting me from the best into the
worst condition. Patience--so I am told--I must choose for my guide.
Steadfast, I hope, will be my resolution to persevere, till it shall
please the inexorable Fates to cut the thread. Perhaps there may be an
amendment--perhaps not; I am prepared for the worst--I, who so early
as my twenty-eighth year was forced to become a philosopher--it is not
easy--for the artist more difficult than for any other. O God! thou
lookest down upon my misery; thou knowest that it is accompanied with
love of my fellow-creatures, and a disposition to do good! O men! when
ye shall read this, think that ye have wronged me; and let the child of
affliction take comfort on