, be
followed by something revolting which would upset the whole order of our
lives. "So it seems that during these two years we have grown no wiser,
colder, or calmer," I thought as I began walking about the rooms. "So
there will again be tears, outcries, curses, packing up, going abroad,
then the continual sickly fear that she will disgrace me with some
coxcomb out there, Italian or Russian, refusing a passport, letters,
utter loneliness, missing her, and in five years old age, grey hairs."
I walked about, imagining what was really impossible--her, grown
handsomer, stouter, embracing a man I did not know. By now convinced
that that would certainly happen, "'Why," I asked myself, "Why, in one
of our long past quarrels, had not I given her a divorce, or why had she
not at that time left me altogether? I should not have had this yearning
for her now, this hatred, this anxiety; and I should have lived out my
life quietly, working and not worrying about anything."

A carriage with two lamps drove into the yard, then a big sledge with
three horses. My wife was evidently having a party.

Till midnight everything was quiet downstairs and I heard nothing,
but at midnight there was a sound of moving chairs and a clatter of
crockery. So there was supper. Then the chairs moved again, and through
the floor I heard a noise; they seemed to be shouting hurrah. Marya
Gerasimovna was already asleep and I was quite alone in the whole upper
storey; the portraits of my forefathers, cruel, insignificant people,
looked at me from the walls of the drawing-room, and the reflection
of my lamp in the window winked unpleasantly. And with a feeling of
jealousy and envy for what was going on downstairs, I listened and
thought: "I am master here; if I like, I can in a moment turn out all
that fine crew." But I knew that all that was nonsense, that I could not
turn out any one, and the word "master" had no meaning. One may think
oneself master, married, rich, a kammer-junker, as much as one likes,
and at the same time not know what it means.

After supper some one downstairs began singing in a tenor voice.

"Why, nothing special has happened," I tried to persuade myself. "Why am
I so upset? I won't go downstairs tomorrow, that's all; and that will be
the end of our quarrel."

At a quarter past one I went to bed.

"Have the visitors downstairs gone?" I asked Alexey as he was undressing
me.

"Yes, sir, they've gone."

"And why were they shou