living! It is not meant to be living, as the people outside
understand what living means. What does it all signify but death, when
we take the veil, and lie before the altar, and are covered with a
funeral pall? It means dying--then why not altogether dying? Has not God
angels, in thousands, to praise Him and worship Him, and pray for
sinners on earth? And they sing and pray gladly, because they are
blessed and do not suffer, as we do. Why should God want us, poor little
nuns, to live half dead, and to praise Him with voices that crack with
the cold in winter, and to kneel till we faint with the heat in summer,
and to wear out our bodies with fasting and prayer and penance, till it
is all we can do to crawl to our places in the choir? Not I--I am young
and strong still--nor you, perhaps, for you are strong still, though you
are not young. But many of the sisters--yes, they are the best ones, I
know--they are killing themselves by inches before our eyes. You know
it--I know it--they know it themselves. Why should they not find some
shorter way of death for God's glory? Or if not, why should they not
live happily, since many of them could? Why should God, who made us,
wish us to destroy ourselves--or if He does, then why may we not do it
in our own way? Ah--it would be so short--a knife-thrust, and then the
great peace forever!"

The abbess had risen and was standing before Maria, one hand resting on
the back of the rush-bottomed chair.

"Blasphemy!" she cried, finding breath at last. "It is blasphemy, or
madness, or both! It is the evil one's own doing! Forgive her, good God!
She does not know what she is saying! Almighty and most merciful God,
forgive her!"

For a moment Maria Addolorata was silent, realizing how far she had
forgotten herself, and startled by the abbess's terrified eyes and
excited tone. But she was naturally a far more daring woman than she
herself knew. Though her face was pale, her lips smiled at her good
aunt's fright.

"But that is not an answer--just to cry 'blasphemy!'" she said. "The
question is clear--"

She did not finish the sentence. The abbess was really beside herself
with religious terror. With almost violent hands she dragged and thrust
her niece down till Maria fell upon her knees.

"Pray, child! Pray, before it is too late!" she cried. "Pray on your
knees that this possession may pass, before your soul is lost forever!"

She herself knelt beside the girl upon the stones, still