queer political
dinner to the constituents?")

(g) He must be nice to my Philly.

(h) He must be dark. ("Pshaw!")

(i) He must be fair. ("Ugh!")

(j) He must be able to waltz and play bridge.

At this point I suggested that a prepaid telegram to the Celestial
Regions would alone procure the article we required. However, we
ultimately descended to an advertisement in the _Morning Post_, and in
due course I obtained a secretary. In fact, I obtained several. We had
them _seriatim_, and none stayed longer than a month. I do not propose
to write a detailed history of the dynasty which I now found it my
privilege to support. A brief _resume_ of each will suffice.

_Number One_.--Cambridge Football Blue. Big and breezy. Spelling
entirely phonetic. Spent most of his time smoking in the drawing-room,
and laboured under the delusion that, as my amanuensis, he was at
liberty to forge my signature to all documents, including cheques. He
used my official note-paper to back horses on, and was finally requested
to leave, after an unseemly brawl with a book-maker's tout on my
doorstep.

_Number Two_.--Oxford: a First in Greats. A heavy manner, usually
beginning his observations with "Wherewithal" or "Peradventure." The
Twins suffered severely from suppressed giggles in his presence.
Regarded my superficial ideas of statesmanship with profound contempt,
but left after a fortnight, having allowed a highly confidential and
extremely personal pencil note, written in the margin of a despatch by
the Premier himself, to blossom forth in large type in the text of a
Blue Book.

_Number Three_.--Rather elderly for the post--nearer forty than
thirty--but highly recommended. Reduced my chaotic papers to order in
twenty-four hours, charmed my wife and her sisters, drafted a speech
which won me quite a little ovation in the House, suggested several
notable improvements in the "Importation of Mad Dogs Bill," with which I
was to be entrusted next session--and was found lying dead drunk in his
bedroom, at eleven o'clock in the morning, on the second Sunday after
his arrival. Half a dozen empty brandy bottles were afterwards
discovered on the top of his wardrobe. Poor devil!

_Number Four_.--(Subsequently handed down to posterity as "The Limit").
Small, spectacled, and nervous. Came from a Welsh University, and was
strong on "the methodical filing of State and other documents." He
stayed two days. On the first night (after inquiring whet