gs. I have nearly worn out my ears trying to catch
your utterances. When a captain on a battlefield gives an order, the
company all hear; and if you want to be an officer in the Lord's army, do
not mumble your words. The elocution of Christ's sermon is described when
we are told he opened his mouth and taught them--that is, spoke distinctly,
as those cannot who keep their lips half closed. Do you think it a sign of
modesty to speak so low? I think the most presuming thing on earth for a
Pulpit to do is to demand that an audience sit quiet when they cannot hear,
simply looking. The handsomest minister I ever saw is not worth looking at
for an hour and a half at a stretch. The truth is that I have often been so
provoked with your inarticulate speech, that I would have got up and left
the church, had it not been for the fact that I am nailed fast, and my
appearance on the outside on a Sabbath-day, walking up and down, would have
brought around me a crowd of unsanctified boys to gaze at me, a poor church
pew on its travels."

The Pulpit responded in anything but a pious tone: "The reason you do not
hear is that your mind on Sundays is full of everything but the gospel. You
work so hard during the week that you rob the Lord of his twenty-four
hours. The man who works on Sunday as well as the rest of the week is no
worse than you who abstain on that day, because your excessive devotion to
business during the week kills your Sunday; and a dead Sunday is no Sunday
at all. You throw yourself into church as much as to say, 'Here, Lord, I am
too tired to work any more for myself; you can have the use of me while I
am resting!' Besides that, O Pew! you have a miserable habit. Even when you
can hear my voice on the Sabbath and are wide awake, you have a way of
putting your head down or shutting your eyes, and looking as if your soul
had vacated the premises for six weeks. You are one of those hearers who
think it is pious to look dull; and you think that the Pew on the other
side the aisle is an old sinner because he hunches the Pew behind him, and
smiles when the truth hits the mark. If you want me to speak out, it is
your duty not only to be wide awake, but to look so. Give us the benefit of
your two eyes. There is one of the elders whose eyes I have never caught
while speaking, save once, and that was when I was preaching from Psalm
cxiii. 12, 'They compassed me about like bees,' and by a strange
coincidence a bumble-bee got into c