of heaven in my soul, but
without the least agitation of body during the whole time. Part of the
night I lay awake, sometimes asleep, and sometimes between sleeping and
waking. But all night I continued in a constant, clear, and lively
sense of the heavenly sweetness of Christ's excellent love, of his
nearness to me, and of my dearness to him; with an inexpressibly sweet
calmness of soul in an entire rest in him. I seemed to myself to
perceive a glow of divine love come down from the heart of Christ in
heaven into my heart in a constant stream, like a stream or pencil of
sweet light. At the same time my heart and soul all flowed out in love
to Christ, so that there seemed to be a constant flowing and reflowing
of heavenly love, and I appeared to myself to float or swim, in these
bright, sweet beams, like the motes swimming in the beams of the sun,
or the streams of his light which come in at the window. I think that
what I felt each minute was worth more than all the outward comfort and
pleasure which I had enjoyed in my whole life put together. It was
pleasure, without the least sting, or any interruption. It was a
sweetness, which my soul was lost in; it seemed to be all that my
feeble frame could sustain. There was but little difference, whether I
was asleep or awake, but if there was any difference, the sweetness was
greatest while I was asleep.[159] As I awoke early the next morning,
it seemed to me that I had entirely done with myself. I felt that the
opinions of the world concerning me were nothing, and that I had no
more to do with any outward interest of my own than with that of a
person whom I never saw. The glory of God seemed to swallow up every
wish and desire of my heart.... After retiring to rest and sleeping a
little while, I awoke, and was led to reflect on God's mercy to me, in
giving me, for many years, a willingness to die; and after that, in
making me willing to live, that I might do and suffer whatever he
called me to here. I also thought how God had graciously given me an
entire resignation to his will, with respect to the kind and manner of
death that I should die; having been made willing to die on the rack,
or at the stake, and if it were God's will, to die in darkness. But
now it occurred to me, I used to think of living no longer than to the
ordinary age of man. Upon this I was led to ask myself, whether I was
not willing to be kept out of heaven even longer; and my whole heart
s