f-back,
Or how Hermes could dodge, and Ares and Phoebus could tackle;
Couched in rhythmical language but not one whit to the purpose.
On his white hair they carefully placed the sacred tiara,
Worn by the foot-ball umpires of old as a badge of their office,
Also to save their heads, in case the players should slug them.
Then they gave him a spear wherewith to enforce his decisions,
And to stick in the ground to mark the place to line up to.
He advanced to the thirty-yard line and began an oration:

"Listen, Trojans and Greeks! For thirty-five seasons,
I played foot-ball in Greece with Peleus for half-back and captain.
Those were the days of old when men played the game as they'd orter.
Once, I remember, AEacus, the god-like son of Poseidon,
Kicked the ball from a drop, clean over the city of Argos.
That was the game when Peleus, our captain, lost all his front teeth;
Little we cared for teeth or eyes when once we were warmed up.
Why, I remember that AEacus ran so that no one could see him,
There was just a long hole in the air and a man at the end on't.
Hercules umpired that game, and I noticed there wasn't much back-talk."

Him interrupting, sternly addressed the King Agamemnon:
"Cease, old man; come off your antediluvian boasting;
Doubtless our grandpas could all play the game as well as they knew
how.
They are all dead, and have long lined up in the fields of elysium;
If they were here we would wipe up the ground with the rusty old
duffers.
You call the game, and keep your eye fixed on the helmeted Hector.
He'll play off-side all the while, if he thinks the umpire don't see
him!"
Then the old man threw the lots, but sore was his heart in his bosom.
"Troy has the kick-off," he said, "the ball is yours, noble Hector."
Then he gave him the ball, a prolate spheroid of leather,
Much like the world in its shape, if the world were lengthened, not
flattened,
Covered with well-sewed leather, the well-seasoned hide of a bison,
Killed by Lakon, the hunter, ere bisons were exterminated.
On it was painted a battle, a market, a piece of the ocean,
Horses and cows and nymphs and things too many to mention.

Then the heroes peeled off their sweaters and put on their nose-guards,
Also the fiendish expressions the great occasion demanded.
Ajax stood on the