that they
should not know. I was immovable and silent before them; and would have
suffered any one of them to kill me sooner than I would have laid myself
out to bespeak their approval.

He told me I did not do myself justice. I told him I did, and it was
because I did and meant to do so to the last, that I would not stoop to
propitiate any of them. He was concerned and even shocked, when I added
that I wished he would not parade his attachment before them; but he
said he would sacrifice even the honest impulses of his affection to my
peace.

Under that pretence he began to retort upon me. By the hour together, he
would keep at a distance from me, talking to any one rather than to me.
I have sat alone and unnoticed, half an evening, while he conversed with
his young cousin, my pupil. I have seen all the while, in people's eyes,
that they thought the two looked nearer on an equality than he and I.
I have sat, divining their thoughts, until I have felt that his young
appearance made me ridiculous, and have raged against myself for ever
loving him.

For I did love him once. Undeserving as he was, and little as he thought
of all these agonies that it cost me--agonies which should have made him
wholly and gratefully mine to his life's end--I loved him. I bore with
his cousin's praising him to my face, and with her pretending to think
that it pleased me, but full well knowing that it rankled in my breast;
for his sake. While I have sat in his presence recalling all my slights
and wrongs, and deliberating whether I should not fly from the house at
once and never see him again--I have loved him.

His aunt (my Mistress you will please to remember) deliberately,
wilfully, added to my trials and vexations. It was her delight to
expatiate on the style in which we were to live in India, and on the
establishment we should keep, and the company we should entertain when
he got his advancement. My pride rose against this barefaced way of
pointing out the contrast my married life was to present to my then
dependent and inferior position. I suppressed my indignation; but I
showed her that her intention was not lost upon me, and I repaid her
annoyance by affecting humility. What she described would surely be
a great deal too much honour for me, I would tell her. I was afraid
I might not be able to support so great a change. Think of a mere
governess, her daughter's governess, coming to that high distinction! It
made her uneasy, and m