cosmetics. Let them sizzle. Serve cold with shredded
onions on the side.

MOCK BEEF STEAK.

(From a Recipe furnished by Joseph Coyne.)

Carefully remove the laces from an old shoe and put them away, because
they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as the potato
trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten minutes until
its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face. Then
put in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to sizzle add
the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley can be
made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no green
wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it sizzle.
Should you wish to smother it with onions now is your chance, because
after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet
on the side. If there are more than four people in the family use both
shoes.

IMITATION IRISH STEW.

(From a Recipe furnished by Charles Swayne.)

Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put in the saucepan.
Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and hang it on
the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish the
local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato
begins to moult it is a sign the stew is nearly done. Walk easy so as
not to frighten it. Add a pint of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce
dressing. If the lettuce isn't dressed it ought to be ashamed of
itself.

IMITATION PRUNE PIE.

(From a Recipe furnished by George W. Lederer.)

Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. Remove the shells and
add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot oven. Bake gently
for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger and some pickled
rag-time. Serve hot with tea wafers on the side.

* * * * * *

I haven't seen Bunch since the book came out.

But I know he will get back at me good and hard some of these fine days.

23

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