ter and stir gently with an
imitation spoon. After cooking two hours try it with the can-opener.
If it breaks the can-opener it is not done. Let it sizzle. When the
supper bell rings serve hot with imitation pickles on the side. Nice
pickles can be made from green trading stamps, but be careful to
squeeze out all the premiums from the green trading stamps before
using, because the premiums are full of ptomaine.

IMITATION ROAST TURKEY

(From a Recipe furnished by Dr. Percy Crandall.)

Find a copy of a Thanksgiving-Day newspaper and select therefrom the
fattest turkey on page 3. Now, with a few kind words, coax the turkey
away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. Care should
be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's pantry or fly
up the dumb-waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous animal. Once
you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare the
stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can
obtain from any author who writes musical comedy. Now remove the
wishbone carelessly and make a wish. Add twenty-four, multiply by
nineteen, and sprinkle with salt. Then rush the turkey over to the gas
stove before it has a chance to change its mind. Let it sizzle for
four hours and serve hot with jib cocktails and Philippine napkins on
the side.

MOCK COFFEE.

(From a Recipe furnished by Daniel V. Arthur.)

Get mad at a piece of bread and soak it. Chop it up fine and add
liquid water. Let it sizzle. Stir it caressingly with a wooden spoon.
When the spoon becomes a brunette the coffee is done. Serve without
splashing it and add a little cold water, painted white, to look like
milk. If you have any tame cheese in the pantry now is the time to
whistle for it.

MOCK GIBLETS.

(From a Recipe furnished by Edward Abeles.)

Take two rubber-neck clams and, after stuffing them with peanuts, fry
them over a slow fire. Now remove the necks from the clams and add
baking soda. Let them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and threaten
the clams with it. Serve hot with pink finger-bowls with your initials
on them. Some people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but
such an idea is only for the wealthy.

MOCK BREAKFAST BACON.

(From a Recipe furnished by A. Baldwin Sloane.)

Take a hatful of pine shavings and remove the hat. Add a little sherry
wine and sweeten to taste. Let them sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and
pepper and other