nd a large and
important General asked us--

"But are you being offensive enough to the enemy in front?"

"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Impossible!"

"You _must_ be offensive," he rejoined. "I don't think there is sufficient
hate in this part of the line."

It was this unfortunate moment that Feodor chose to step on to his parapet
and call out cheerfully to the Great Man--

"Good morning, John_ee_!"

For one tense moment I thought the General would burst. By an effort he
pulled himself together, however, and shouted to my troops in a voice of
thunder--

"At That Person in front--fifteen rounds rapid. Fire!"

We had to do it, of course, and, although I think most of our sights were a
little high, accidents _will_ happen. Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek,
and his time back towards home would, if it had been taken, make a world's
championship record.

I don't think he was physically hurt; but his poor trousers were badly
punctured!...

Our friend, Jerry, may not be lost, but he is certainly gone behind.

Yours always,
PETER.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Lady_ (_who has been photographed for passport_). "THIS
PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IS BEALLY DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK LIKE A GORILLA!"

_Photographer_. "I'M VERY SORRY, LADY; BUT, YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T
ALLOW US TO TOUCH UP ANY PASSPORT PHOTOS."]

* * * * *

"From the Pentland Firth to Norway, the eyes of the British Fleet are
those of Nunquam."--_Yorkshire Post_.

We suppose old _Dormio_ is asleep as usual.

* * * * *

"The clergy will be pleased to hear of parishioners who are
sick.".--_Parish Magazine_.

No doubt they mean it kindly, but it sounds rather callous.

* * * * *

"Holders of 15s. 6d. War Savings Certificates and scrip vouchers of the
War Loan are acceptable over the Post Office counter at their face
value."--_Daily News_.

"'My face is my fortune, Sir,' she said."

* * * * *

"Will anyone give 15/- and a kind home to a nice little brown miniature
poodle dog, 3 years, ideal pet and companion?"--_The Bazaar_.

Sixpence more and the little pet could buy a War Savings Certificate.

* * * * *

THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.

No. I.

_From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, to Mrs. Morton, Dockington
Hall, Bucks