ecome herself again
terrified him so at times that he was forced to drink brandy, and come
home only a little less far gone than that first time. Gyp had often to
help him go to bed. On two or three occasions, he suffered so that he was
out all night. To account for this, she devised the formula of a room at
Count Rosek's, where he slept when music kept him late, so as not to
disturb her. Whether the servants believed her or not, she never knew.
Nor did she ever ask him where he went--too proud, and not feeling that
she had the right.

Deeply conscious of the unaesthetic nature of her condition, she was
convinced that she could no longer be attractive to one so easily upset
in his nerves, so intolerant of ugliness. As to deeper feelings about
her--had he any? He certainly never gave anything up, or sacrificed
himself in any way. If she had loved, she felt she would want to give up
everything to the loved one; but then--she would never love! And yet he
seemed frightened about her. It was puzzling! But perhaps she would not
be puzzled much longer about that or anything; for she often had the
feeling that she would die. How could she be going to live, grudging her
fate? What would give her strength to go through with it? And, at times,
she felt as if she would be glad to die. Life had defrauded her, or she
had defrauded herself of life. Was it really only a year since that
glorious day's hunting when Dad and she, and the young man with the clear
eyes and the irrepressible smile, had slipped away with the hounds ahead
of all the field--the fatal day Fiorsen descended from the clouds and
asked for her? An overwhelming longing for Mildenham came on her, to get
away there with her father and Betty.

She went at the beginning of November.

Over her departure, Fiorsen behaved like a tired child that will not go
to bed. He could not bear to be away from her, and so forth; but when
she had gone, he spent a furious bohemian evening. At about five, he woke
with "an awful cold feeling in my heart," as he wrote to Gyp next
day--"an awful feeling, my Gyp; I walked up and down for hours" (in
reality, half an hour at most). "How shall I bear to be away from you at
this time? I feel lost." Next day, he found himself in Paris with
Rosek. "I could not stand," he wrote, "the sight of the streets, of the
garden, of our room. When I come back I shall stay with Rosek. Nearer
to the day I will come; I must come to you." B