forward
to, for her--for me! For me!' He struck his hands against his chest!
Why couldn't he think without bringing himself in--get out of himself and
see what he ought to do? The thought hurt him, then lost edge, as if it
had come in contact with a breastplate. Out of oneself! Impossible!
Out into soundless, scentless, touchless, sightless space! The very idea
was ghastly, futile! And touching there the bedrock of reality, the
bottom of his Forsyte spirit, Soames rested for a moment. When one
ceased, all ceased; it might go on, but there'd be nothing in it!

He looked at his watch. In half an hour the doctor would be back. He
must decide! If against the operation and she died, how face her mother
and the doctor afterwards? How face his own conscience? It was his child
that she was having. If for the operation--then he condemned them both
to childlessness. And for what else had he married her but to have a
lawful heir? And his father--at death's door, waiting for the news!
'It's cruel!' he thought; 'I ought never to have such a thing to settle!
It's cruel!' He turned towards the house. Some deep, simple way of
deciding! He took out a coin, and put it back. If he spun it, he knew
he would not abide by what came up! He went into the dining-room,
furthest away from that room whence the sounds issued. The doctor had
said there was a chance. In here that chance seemed greater; the river
did not flow, nor the leaves fall. A fire was burning. Soames unlocked
the tantalus. He hardly ever touched spirits, but now--he poured himself
out some whisky and drank it neat, craving a faster flow of blood. 'That
fellow Jolyon,' he thought; 'he had children already. He has the woman I
really loved; and now a son by her! And I--I'm asked to destroy my only
child! Annette can't die; it's not possible. She's strong!'

He was still standing sullenly at the sideboard when he heard the
doctor's carriage, and went out to him. He had to wait for him to come
downstairs.

"Well, doctor?"

"The situation's the same. Have you decided?"

"Yes," said Soames; "don't operate!"

"Not? You understand--the risk's great?"

In Soames' set face nothing moved but the lips.

"You said there was a chance?"

"A chance, yes; not much of one."

"You say the baby must be born dead if you do?"

"Yes."

"Do you still think that in any case she can't have another?"

"One can't be absolutely sure, but it's most unlikely."