now to write a few letters before dinner."

CHAPTER XV

Robert, accompanied by Lord Reckage, arrived in London the following
Wednesday. Pensee and Brigit went from St. Malo to Paris, where the
unhappy girl hoped to enter the Conservatoire. All had been arranged by
Robert himself, and he had shown a calmness during the ordeal which
might have deceived his two friends had they been even a little
insincere themselves or a shade less fond. His Journal at that period
contains two entries, however, which show that neither Lady Fitz Rewes
nor Reckage were wrong in fearing he had received a mortal blow which no
earthly influence could make endurable.

_Oct., 1869._--I am once more at Almouth House. Beauclerk's
consideration for me is almost more than I can bear. The rest is
not borne. If it were not cowardly, I would go away alone, and
brood at my leisure and yield to the appalling yet all but
irresistible wretchedness which calls me, which I actually crave.
An effort not to depress or discourage others may be right and my
duty. I cannot be sure of this. Sometimes I feel as though it would
be wiser to meet the dark hours and make acquaintance with them....
And what is to become of her? The longing to see her--even in the
distance....

To-night I talked with Reckage about his Bond of Association. Most
of the members feel toward him that insipid kind of hatred which
passes for friendship in public life. If he were naturally
observant, he would see this; if he were given at all to
self-doubt, he would feel it. But his way is to regard most men as
ill-mannered and well-meaning.

_Tuesday._--Another day. I begin to see that I have been called to
make every sacrifice--marriage, ambition, happiness, all must be
abandoned: abandoned while I live, not after I have made myself, by
years of self-discipline, indifferent to such considerations....
But for its piety, the _Imitation_ is, I think, the most
pessimistic book in the world. The _Exercises_ of St. Ignatius
(perhaps because he was a saint) produce quite an opposite effect
upon me; they exhort us to hope, action, courage. They make one a
citizen of both worlds. Merely to read him is a campaign in the
open air against a worthy foe. I defy any man to go through the
_Exercises_ with his whole heart, and even whine again. I have
resolve