days--except myself! And I've got to pay their salaries! We're
asked in the catechism what's our business in this weary world, and
damn it, I can answer that conundrum now! It's just to pay government
officials their wages, and build a dozen or two new Dreadnoughts, and
send six million peaceable men into the army, and fill a pile of shells
with trinitrol-globule-paralysis, or whatever they call the stuff, and
all this on the rental of an estate which was just keeping me
comfortably in tobacco before this infernal murdering business began!
Do you know what I'd do with that Kaiser if I caught him?"

I looked as interested as possible, and begged for information.

"I'd give him my wife and my income, and see how he liked the mess he's
landed me in!"

Though Mr Craigie had spoken with considerable vehemence, he had not
looked at all fierce, and now his not usually very intellectual face
began to assume a thoughtful expression.

"He's an awful fool, yon man!" he observed.

"Which man?" I inquired.

"Billy," said he, and with a gasp I recognised my Emperor in this brief
epithet. "It's just astounding to me how he never learns that hot
coals will burn his fingers, and water won't run uphill! He's always
trying the silliest things."

His eyes suddenly began to twinkle again, and he asked abruptly--

"Why's the Kaiser like my boots?"

I gave it up at once.

"Because he'll be sold again soon!" he chuckled. "That's one of my
latest, Mr Wilson. I've little to do in these weary times but make
riddles to amuse my girls and think of dodges for getting a rise out of
my wife. I had her beautifully the other day! We've two sons at the
front, you must know, and one of them's called Bob. Well, I got a
letter from him, and suddenly I looked awful grave and cried, 'My God,
Bob's been blown up'--you should have seen Mrs Craigie jump--'by his
Colonel!' said I, and I tell you she was nearly as put about to find
I'd been pulling her leg as if he'd really been blown to smithereens.
Women are funny things."

I fear I scarcely laughed as much as he expected at this extraordinary
instance of woman's obtuseness, but he did not seem to mind. He was
already filling another pipe, and having found an audience, was
evidently settling down to an afternoon's conversation--or rather an
afternoon's monologue, for it was quite clear he was independent of any
assistance from me. I was resolved, however, not to forgo this chance
of lea