"

The Perfect Gentleman "never wilfully hurts anybody." No soldier,
doctor, or schoolmaster can, therefore, ever be a P.G.

He is always perfectly open and frank. He is also sufficiently artful
to conceal the fact that he considers the person he is talking to a
mixture of a snob and a blockhead.

When his favourite corn is trodden on by a weighty stranger, he never
utters any expression stronger than "Dear me!"

He never loses his temper.

He must know how to treat everyone according to their rank and
situation in life, but show special courtesy to those who are his
inferiors.

He must be well-born, although there are plenty of "Nature's
Gentlemen" in the ranks of day-labourers.

He must be sufficiently wealthy to keep up a good position, while
recognising the fact that money has nothing to do with true gentility.

He should also try and remember that no such jumble of contradictions
as the Perfect Gentleman ever existed.

* * * * *

[Illustration: HIS BEST "SOOT."

_Short-tempered Gentleman in Black_ (_after violent collision with a
Stonemason fresh from work_). "NOW, I'LL ARSK YOU JEST TO LOOK AT THE
NARSTY BEASTLY MESS AS YOU'VE GONE AND MIDE ME IN! WHY, I'M SIMPLY
SMOTHERED IN SOME 'ORRID WHITE STUFF!! WHY DON'T YER BE MORE
CAREFUL!!!"]

* * * * *

EPIGRAMMATICALLY PUT.--An Asylums Board Manager wrote to the _Times_
to complain of Mr. LITTLER, M.P., Q.C.'s charges against the Asylums
and Fever Hospitals management. "Which is right, or which is wrong,"
to paraphrase _Mr. Mantalini's_ words, is no business just now of
ours, but the writer of the reply to the attack, might have summed up
by saying "that to _him_, Mr. LITTLER, whatever his Christian names
might be, appeared as a _Be-Littler_."

* * * * *

"MR. GLADSTONE ON RENTS IN WALES."--What the Right Honble. Mr.
G. omitted to say, when speaking on this subject, was that "but
a comparatively small rent in Wales would be produced by
Disestablishment, whenever that event should happen, and that this
would soon be mended."

* * * * *

TEMPERANCE RIDDLE.--Why is a man who is thoroughly good-natured and
ever ready to oblige, likely to end as a confirmed drunkard? Because
he is always _willing_.

* * * * *

A USEFUL EXPERIENCE.

I awoke at one in the morning,
I had been two hours in b