. Had I obeyed his wish, and in the
stillness of the cloister striven for blessings which do not belong to
this world, this miserable existence would have seemed less unendurable
to me, then doubtless a much wider space would have separated me from
despair; for I am so unhappy, mother, that I envy the poor peasant who in
the sweat of his brow gathers the harvest which his sterile fields
produce; for years I have been as wretched as the captive lion in its
cage, the lover whose bride is torn from him on the marriage day. Imagine
the wish as a woman, and beside her a magician who, by virtue of the
power which he possesses, cries, 'The fulfilment of every desire you
strive to attain shall be forever withheld,' and you will have an idea of
the devastated existence of the pitiable man who, if it were not sinful,
would curse those who gave him the life in which he has long seen nothing
save the horrible, jeering spectre of disappointment."

"Stop!" moaned Barbara sorrowfully, pressing her hand upon her brow as if
frantic. "So even my hardest sacrifice was futile, and what rendered life
valuable to my foolish heart was mere delusion and bewildering deception.
What I beheld raising you to the stars, as though with eagles' wings, was
a clogging weight; what seemed to me at a distance the bright sunshine
irradiating your path, was a Will-o'-the-wisp luring to destruction. What
I thought white, was black, the radiant daylight was dusk and the
darkness of night. Oh, if it were really granted me Yet, child, you
certainly do not know what you are asking. So, before it comes to the
final decision, let me put this one more question: Do you believe, really
and firmly, that if the confidence of the States-General permits you to
take your army by sea, and you lead it in England and succeed in winning
the crown and hand of this--whether she is guilty or not--beautiful,
devout, and, whatever errors she has committed, desirable Queen, that the
troubles which it is so hard for your ambitious soul to bear will then
vanish? When you have won the woman for whom you yearn, the throne, and
the sceptre, will your sore heart be healed and happiness make its joyous
entry, and also remain in your soul, that is so hard to satisfy? For--I
see and feel it--it is carried away by the 'More, farther,' of your
father. Can you, my John, have you really the firm conviction that, if
this lofty desire is fulfilled, you will be content and believe that you
have fo